In the past two weeks, I’ve been involved in two weddings and supported two friends planning their loved one’s funerals. It’s intense – these are some of the most powerfully important rituals in our lives. It’s important that we make them relevant and real.
Life’s rites of passage draw us in at the deepest level. How do we respond? It seems we have two threads pulling at us continually, to make it meaningful and to also meet social norms. Which one speaks to you and how do you balance the other? With so many people un-involved in spiritual or religious communities, there is more challenge to develop new meaningful rites of passage. How well are we doing?
Joseph Campbell spent his career studying the power of mythology and rituals. In a powerful interview with Bill Moyers conducted toward the end of his life, Campbell says that a society without mythology and ritual is like reading the paper – we are simply reading the news. “There’s been a reduction of rituals. They’ve (we’ve) forgotten what the function of a ritual is, to pitch you out, not to wrap you back in where you have been all the time”. “It must be kept alive. The only people that can keep it alive are artists of one kind or another. Artists being the poet, the musician, the author, the writer.”http://billmoyers.com/…/ep-3-joseph-campbell-and-the-power…/
So how do we create ritualized rites of passage that have meaning? What creates a passage that will ‘throw you out” and incorporate the creative artist aspects? Let me point out what I noticed having participated in two very different weddings and two very different deaths.
There were great contrasts. One wedding was for friends in mid-life and the other was for 20-year-olds. In the end of life passages, one was after a long successful life and the other was after a difficult life by suicide.
There were also important similarities. These events involved artistic expression with music, art, or poetry to give it meaningful content. There was clear expression of personal values to show the substance of the rite of passage. While these experiences are obviously not a full indicator, they show a growing trend to add meaning.
Let me share what I noticed as being important.
MAKE IT PERSONAL AND MEANINGFUL
It was clear, in all these rituals, the choices were made based on what would make the experience personal and meaningful. In one wedding, no social norms were followed – it was spontaneous, unconventional, outrageous and about the the joy of the experience. In the other, all social and religious norms were followed and it too was intensely personal and joyful. The funerals showed the same contrast. One followed none of the typical norms, the other did while still being very personal.
Making rituals personal and meaningful means going outside the box. The greatest mistake we make in our culture is relegating these rites of passage to wedding planners and funeral homes so it becomes a cookie cutter experience. They charge a tremendous amount to take away our responsibility. It sanitizes the experience and robs us of the soulful expression of meaning and personality.
To make these rituals meaningful we have to get intimately involved and not give the responsibility to “planners” who will sterilize the experience.
THE ROLE OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS
Yes, I know, friends and family can make any experience messy. We hate that – or do we? In reality, it is the messiness that makes us real and makes an experience meaningful. It comes down to being clear on our choices about who and how we want friends and family involved. Let me explain.
The weddings:. In one wedding there was a small group of friends who did it all. We were the planners, the decorators, the cooks, the reverends, and the celebrants. No family was involved. It was pure joy and pleasure. In the other, there was a small group of friends who helped the mother of the bride pull off a huge wedding. We were decorator’s, support team, the holders of personal vision, and the cleanup crew. Lots of family were involved. It was pure pleasure and joy. Both were messy – both were real. It was perfect.
The funerals: In one, death was known to be coming. It was planned and all details were known by the family in advanced and anticipated. The friends helped see that it went as desired and it went like clockwork. In the other, death was not anticipated. The funeral plans were learned in a detailed note left by the deceased. The family in charge of honoring the wishes saw that it was respected, despite anyone else’s feelings, and it went like clockwork. It was perfect.
Family and friends, being involved, honoring a personal vision and getting it done with authenticity made these experiences true and meaningful rituals.
RESPECT WISHES
In both weddings and funerals the individual wishes were honored by family and friends. It’s such a simple and important point. They should never be the product of social expectations or a reflection the power brokers in the family or an institution. They’re meant to honor the intended persons.
Have you experienced a wedding or funeral that didn’t reflect the people being honored? When people go through the motions, without the personal details that give it meaning, it’s painful. Is this a factor in marriages being more disposable and funerals being a degrading homogenized experience? Maybe
Honoring wishes is a value choice. It places the integrity of the people involved over social expectation.
FOOD
Of course there is food involved in rituals. Feeding each other reinforces our bonds and expresses both celebration and compassion. Store bought and catered food is so common now that we forget that it is the personal message that is important. Can we return to a more personal experience – of course.
Cooking for each other is an important expression of love and compassion.
The important features of our phase of life rituals, whether it involves a religious/spiritual ceremony or not, is to include those elements that have personal meaning, the family/loved one who are important and to honor and respect the integrity of the people involved while feeding one another.
Since returning from Africa, where rituals are routinely conducted, I’ve looked for ways to incorporate them in my work. Rituals are helpful to clear out one phase as you prepare to launch another. I’ll be conducting a workshop entitled “Starting Over” Relaunch Any Aspect of Your Life which will include these concepts and the development of a ritual to commemorate the change you are seeking.
If you are interested, see my website www.spectrumtransformation.com for more information and use my Free Consultation button to ask questions. It is October 15 and 16 from 1:00-4:00PM. You can register by calling Centered at (859) 721-1841 .
