Boundaries are a necessity and require a hard conversation with those who breach them. Often you have to learn this when you least expect it, when you’re vulnerable and wanting to protect your new growth, like the tender leaves of Spring.
I see this with people who are launching something new. They have stopped using alcohol or drugs, they’ve started a new job/project/relationship, or they’re not wanting to be hurt or co-dependent anymore. They want more separation and friends and family don’t get it or like it. What do you do?
UNDERSTAND THE TRIGGERS AND EXPECTATIONS THAT MAKE A BOUNDARY NECESSARY
Understand your own change and why you need a boundary. Know what is triggering the need for a boundary. Being on a different life path requires pulling away from your old routine. You need to focus and be consistent with your change – you need a clean separation from the old “people, places and things”.
Consider the change: Stop drinking, go vegan, start a relationship, stop co-dependence, start a new project, all require a behavior change. Define the boundaries you need so you’re not triggered to go back.
WHAT MAKES THIS HARD?
When you change, you hope everyone will support you. But sometimes they don’t. Disappointing people is hard and even harder if fear of rejection or conflict stops you.
Give yourself grace. You don’t need more hardship as you start something new. No apologies needed. Recognize the price you pay if you don’t put boundaries in place.
HOW TO SET A BOUNDARY
Take ownership of the conversation to put a boundary in place and do it with kindness so you’re understood. Here’s a template:
State the feeling that’s prompting the need – “I feel ____ (upset, pressured, stressed, unsupported, misunderstood), because ______(explain). I need _____, (time, space, understanding, acceptance). Please understand why this is important ______ (explain what might happen without it.) Will you agree to _______? (state the boundary need again)”. Do this calmly and as often as needed and know when it’s time to walk. Keep the boundary!
Boundaries are a sign of maturity and self-knowledge. It’s a good thing. Reach out if you want help.
